An Open Letter to the Judges

Hey you, yes you over there in your ivory tower:

Yes you remember me, even though it has been a great deal of time you still remember me for a mistake that I made at 22 years old.  I know that life in that ivory tower you live in must be strenuous, it must be so hard to live life every single day without ever making one single mistake.  Obviously it takes a while to get any where as you always obey all posted speed limit signs, you have never ever let alcohol touch your lips and then drive your vehicle, you’ve NEVER paid one of your co-workers to marry one of your family members from a foreign country,  you’ve never bought drugs like the people you watch, or crossed a line or two with someone physically, you’ve certainly never accepted gifts or contributions from them either.  Yup, life sure must be difficult in that ivory tower.  But something about living in that ivory tower makes you feel so elite, so above the law you that you were sworn to protect that you feel as though you are jury, judge, and hangman.

So here it is, yup, I made a mistake.  A rather large one to say the least, a mistake that caused a lot of backlash in my life.  I resigned from my job, you may want to correct your terminology on that one from fired to keep the record straight, I lost family, I lost friends.  To put it simply, as I know that registration in the gifted and talented program is not a prerequisite for your job, it sucked.  You judge though, and you judge and for years and years I have let it eat away at me until now, the dreaded point of no return.

See, what you don’t know is that aside from losing all of the aforementioned I lost things so much more tragic to lose, things that once you lose them, you yourself are lost.  While you have sat back and lived you “perfect”, top button, quintessential life, I was a victim of domestic violence.  Like so many domestic violence victims I was groomed by my abuser, grooming lead to control, soon I was cut off from the outside world.  Granted telephone calls when it suited my abuser, only allowed to go out if my abuser drove me to and from a location, locked in a room alone with nothing but books and paper and a pen.  Now I know that for someone whose life is so amazing it may be hard to fathom, however it wasn’t long after all those things happened that I attempted to commit suicide for the first time.  But, no, no, no my abuser couldn’t let that happen. You see he had brain washed me so badly that he honestly convinced me that if I were to commit suicide that no one would care.  And judging by the fact that you and your cronies still judge me, I imagine that it is safe to say that you certainly wouldn’t have.

Oh yes, that’s right you mentioned that I didn’t just have one child with this person, but two. Well, I am surprised you didn’t hear since clearly they must release a biography of my life to you upon your date of employment, see there would have been another, except when you are suffering from extreme depression, when you are so far gone mentally that all you eat is one snack sized bag of cheese-it’s a day, and even that disgusts you so much that you induce vomiting, that does not create a suitable living environment for a baby inside your body.  Plus when your abuser checks your telephone and finds out that you had planned an escape from the life of torment that you have been living, and proceeds to physically attack you, well then it’s no wonder I lost my baby at 18 weeks.  But yes, you’re right I did have two children with this person.  This however seems to be where your biography of my life that you use to judge me ends though.

My oldest son, who is a big part of our escape and a big part of why I am still alive today, if not the largest reason well he was 11 months old when I became pregnant with my second child.  Here’s the kicker though, our abuser was gone for my entire pregnancy.  During that time I began to get back some of the things that were stolen from me, my self respect, my courage, and most importantly my sense of humor and this is good because it’s what helps me deal with uncivil, repugnant, exasperating people like you.  You see, now I am going to let you in on a little secret my life began to get better.  I developed independence and I found out that I have a passion for caring for people and so while you and your cronies judged me I wasn’t judged by some of your fellow coworkers as I cared for their family members, because they got to see a different side of me and I cared for their family as I would care for my own.  My own family, yes I know I am an embarrassment in your eyes but it’s a good thing that I don’t have to be related to you, and to those of them who still judge me I no longer care because my most important family my mother and father respect me now.  Phew, RESPECT, yes hard to imagine for someone as divine as you but it is true.  You see once my abuser resurfaced from the depths of hell he attempted to pull me back down in to the trap that I had fallen into except this time I wasn’t dealing with it any more, this time I fought back, and I fought back with a vengeance so hard that I and those two children that you felt such a deep need to talk foully about, we escaped.

Luckily since I have such a tiny, little lady brain to have fallen into such a trap, I found a wonderful person who loves those children just as his own, and since you like to mention them but always seem to leave this part out, oh yes they escaped at 2 years old and 6 months old.  Oh yeah, ha did I mention he is in the military too? That other child I have running around now too, that is his just in case you were looking to make a second edition of  your book.  I have since trained for an amazing job and perhaps the fact that I can drive a larger truck than you puts a wrinkle or crinkle in your testicles and that is why you feel so profoundly to put me in my place.  Perhaps the fact that while you are a glorified babysitter, while I run my own business and to imagine it involves power tools too makes you a little cranky.  But maybe, just maybe the fact that in the seven years since this whole thing began, and the even shorter four since I have escaped I have turned my life around, and done more than you could even imagine, or handle.  I’m licensed to drive large commercial vehicles, I run my own business, I am a SURVIVOR and not a statistic, I am raising three amazing young men, I am the coordinator for the only meet-up of a national non-profit in all of New England, and I no longer feel the need to take a back seat to your abuse.

See I have already defeated my abuser, and I am sure as heck not going to allow you or anyone abuse me in any way, shape, or form again.  So next time we are at the grocery store I won’t put my head down in shame any more, next time I am picking my son up from school and you try to slander me to the teachers and staff (sorry not sorry, they already know… you just look like an asshole pardon my language), I will not falter any more I am going to invite you to the next PTA meeting.

All you have done by verbally abusing me over the last 7 years is to show that truth, that the ivory tower you think you live in is merely made out of dust, pieces and particles of lies that you have to fuse together enough so that people cannot see through your facade.  When I go to bed tonight I can sleep peacefully knowing that I am human, to err is human, and I have made mistakes, but from those mistakes I have learned and grown, and guess what even those not one but two children I have… yes they are a benefit too because I wouldn’t change them for the world, they are my most amazing gift.  I can go to sleep knowing that the life I live isn’t a lie.  I can go to sleep knowing that my job doesn’t require me to be a hypocrite.  Knowing that if I were to die tomorrow I made every attempt in my life to be a better person.

So say what you will, you are going to any ways even though you have a lack of information, say what you will because I am not giving you one single ounce of satisfaction ever again by bowing my head to you in shame because at least while I make mistakes I can admit to and own up to the mistakes I make, instead of having my boss help me cover them up!

Sincerely Yours,
“That Loser”


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